Because I’m Nothing If I’m Not Honest

 

hemingway quote

The worst thing about infertility is the monthly tug of war at your heart. Spending 3 weeks swimming in the hope that it might finally happen, only to be drowned in the 4th wk. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been trying for 3 months or 3 years, each let down feels like a fresh wound that’s been opened and rubbed with salt.

I’ve given more blood in the last few months than I’ve given in my entire life. And, so far, the only answers I have are that my right ovary is an over achiever and Lefty is laissez-faire. Oh, and I ovulate too late… Like way too late.

There are times when fashionably late is a good thing. Could someone tell my eggs that this is not one of those times?
I need those suckers to cooperate.

The number of emotions that I feel on any given month ranges from hopeful – daydreaming about dirty diapers and tiny feet, to devastated –  feeling foolish for ever thinking I could be a mother.
Today’s emotion is anger. I’m angry at my body for not being good enough.

And, the one thing that keeps going through my mind is a question:
Why would I have this sudden and insane desire for a child if it wasn’t meant to be? Why now? Why, after all the years of never having any type of desire, do I yearn for a child?
I’ve prayed so much. For answers. For God to take this desire away if it’s not meant for me.

He hasn’t responded yet.

But then again, sometimes getting no answer is an answer.

So, here I am in a hallway, waiting for a door to be opened, and being transparent with all of you fine folks, because I feel that someone else out there needs to read this. I’m not giving up. If there’s anything I know, it’s how to be relentless. So, I can’t control this… I can still believe earnestly in everything I know to be true:

He will give me the desires of my heart – Ps 37:4

Trust God and lean not unto my own understanding – Prov 3:5

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose – Ecc 3:1

He gives children to the woman who has none and makes her a happy mother. – Ps 113:9

tamihallman

2 Comments

  1. Well. Let me tell you. Anything is possible. I guess sonde we are airing it all out here… When I got the call that yet again, fertility didn’t work that month we were ready to move on to the shots. As the nurse and I were calling each other back and forth to get these insanely expensive shots to the correct pharmacy she says “oh, before you get these shots to bring home, take a pregnancy test and call me back with the results and I need to write them down. Bc if you are pregnant we would obviously need to know before getting the shots.” I reassured her there was no need to go get a test. She said “I know you’re not pregnant, but I have to write it down that you did take a test and also, it is impossible to have a baby with a 22 day egg. The egg would not be able to be fertilized at all, it would be a bad egg. I begin to tell her a weird symptom I had a week before and she reassures me there is still no way even a week earlier that I could ever be pregnant. So, I thought well I’ll just call her back later and tell her I did a test and it was negative. We hang up and C climbs into my lap to watch cartoons. And oh my heavens!!!! My chest started throbbing Bc he had just plopped himself in my lap. I immediately ran to the store and it was POSITIVE. I went in the next morning. And my 22 day “bad egg” is now 4 years old!! I hope this gives you some hope. I’ve been there. Much love.

Thoughts? I'd love to hear them!