The Kid Question

*A fun little post from 5 years ago. This Tami swore she didn’t want children. My how things have changed 😉


When you start dating someone, there comes a point after about a year or so when people start either asking when you’re getting married or point directly and sometimes drunkenly to you at weddings and yell, “You’re Next!” (while spilling champagne all over the person standing beside them).


Same thing happens when you’ve been married a year or two. People start popping the kid question. “When are you guys going to start trying?” or “How many kids do you want?” or my personal favorite, “Your children would be so beautiful!” (That one almost gets me every time).


So, how do you tell someone that you aren’t really sure you want children without getting a gasp and a look of disgust or utter horror?  How do you tell your in-laws that they may want to look at some of the siblings for grandchildren, not you? And most importantly, how do you justify the fact that you may not want kids to all those other people who like to judge?


My response to the kid question is this: “I’m heartless and selfish and enjoy my life the way it is. No, really. I have a husband that I love, a career that I love a little too much and a social life that I can’t imagine giving up for birthday parties and diapers. I don’t want to go to soccer, baseball, or football games. I don’t want to watch dance recitals. Breast feeding freaks me out. And there is something inside me that abhors the thought of helping with homework.”


Is any of that true? Not really. The homework part is pretty accurate. The rest of it is basically just fluff to shut down those who ask and buy me another month or two of no questions.


There was a point early in our marriage when we started trying for children. 3 weeks into this experiment, I had a freak out moment and felt like I was being forced to give up everything that I am, in exchange for creating one more thing to be responsible for in my life. And it’s a HUGE responsibility.


So we stopped.


Then we started again last November. And this time I made it a whole 3 months before having a freak out moment.


I love children. And, I do believe that they are one of the most beautiful aspects of life. Raising children is an important and fabulous accomplishment. But, I currently don’t have an incessant desire to have them myself. And I know for a fact that I’m not the only person who feels this way. My generation is full of folks who have made a conscious decision to not have children.


I told my husband on our second date that I didn’t want kids. And, he didn’t dump me!


Every now and then a series of questions flows through my mind. It usually consists of: “Who’s going to take care of me when I’m old?” and “I could be super mom!” and “Our kids WOULD be beautiful!” (Told you that one was powerful.) But none of those thoughts or the feelings that come with them are ever strong enough to last more than a few months.


The honest truth to the kid question is this: I’m really not sure I want them. I believe I would be a wonderful mom, no doubt and I’d value every second of it. But I don’t have an inherent desire for children and I don’t want to do something that I’m not 150% passionate about. I know that once they are born, that feeling changes and you can’t imagine your life without them. But I can’t imagine my life with them… and until I can do that, I’m not making any guarantees or promises.




  1. I have a daughter. Kids are for me. But something I have always believed in is that what works for me might not work for everyone else. Now whether that is about sales or life is up to you! People will always judge. No one is exempt from that human flaw. However, it sure does bring up every emotion we have. When asked an uncomfortable question, reply with an uncomfortable question. The pure Hi-larousness (if that is even a hyphenated is a God sent blessing. If you need a list of goodies….I can provide young hopper! My fav….response…”whewww..did you just fart?”

  2. I personally feel that I’m not really sure what my kids would do without their favorite aunt not giving them her undivided attention. I support you sista’! Kids are not for everyone.

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  4. Well put! We love our Aurora and couldn’t imagine our life without her and all that mushy stuff. However we are now debating weather or not to have any more, and we used to be so so so certain that we were. I completely understanding wanting to “be selfish” and live your life the way you want to! More power to you!

  5. Tams I am SO glad you addressed this issue. I am so tired of people asking me the kid question and they look at me like I’m from Mars when I say we don’t really want any. I was asked this week in fact about kids and I decided to try a new response…I said we were having fertility issues…I didn’t think it was necessary to divulge that the “fertility issue” was that we don’t really care if we’re fertile or not at the moment, but I can tell you this – the conversation about kids ended right then and there :).
    (Disclaimer – no disrespect to peeps with real fertility issues).

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